Rom 8:38-39

This is the first time in a long time where I really wondered how I could call myself a Christian. God brought to light a sin I had been struggling with for a long time - as long as I can remember in fact. He had been telling me to stop and I ignored Him until today when it all blew up in my face. I have been crying off and on all day just because I cant believe what I have been letting myself get away with. On the one hand I'm so sad because I hurt people and I wish I would have stopped before hurting anyone. On the other hand, I'm starting to feel slightly relieved that I'm not going to be able to rationalize this particular temptation as easily as I have in the past. A dear friend and coworker who I confided in about my situation sent me a note and had me read from a couple of places in the Bible. But never has Romans 8:38-39 ever meant more to me:
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Thank God that no matter how badly I screw up, He will still love me. I dont deserve it, and that's what keeps echoing in my head even as I type this. But whether I deserve it or not, He has given it to me and He's not taking His love back. What an amazing love! I still feel low and I'm really going to have a hard time forgiving myself but God has already forgiven me and ultimately I know that is all that really matters. But I'm praying God will give me some peace about it so that my heart doesnt continue to feel like it weighs 50lbs. I'd like to dwell on this but I wont. I'm thankful to God that hopefully He has shaken me to the point that I wont fall into the same pattern in the future.

Ironically, this past weekend I attended a church conference and it was wonderful. Every speaker and every message I heard was fantastic and applicable. I even heard messages about the sin I have been struggling with. I told myself I was going to fix things but I dont think I was really ready to until today. Maybe I would have handled today's events different if God hadnt prepared me with perspective this past weekend.

This weekend will be busy. We're going to have our cousins and our best friends come over tomorrow. Rebekah's birthday was on Monday - she's three now! We had dinner with our immediate families which means brothers, sisters and parents on Monday and had a great time. Tomorrow we thought we'd use her birthday as another excuse to get the youngens together again. Unfortunately some of our cousins already have plans but hopefully we'll do this again soon. I hope I will be disciplined enough to take pictures. The other thing is we like to get together and play games - be it card games or board games. But we get kinda competitive and I am definitely the chiefest among sinners in that perspective. BUT I am REALLY going to pray hard that God helps me control myself this weekend in light of today. I am already dreading the pain I will surely feel as my teeth bite into my lip when someone starts talking smack. I'm going to let you know how I did on Monday which hopefully will keep me motivated to stay good!

I dont know how people can get through struggles without God in their lives...