Finally!

Weight This Morning: 182.5lbs
Goal Weight: 150lbs
Mood: Tired but happy

Per the title of this entry I FINALLY made it to the gym! Lately I've had thoughts about how nice it was to fit into clothes and not be self conscious when going out into public or even at home before I was pregnant with Rachel and I'm really wanting to get back to that place. I am definitely NOT one of those people that is just comfortable with themselves no matter what. So maybe it was this line of thought that finally made me get myself to the gym. Rebekah was home today because they were off for Easter so I waited until Jacob came home from work before I went to the gym. Most days I plan to go during the day and drop Rachel off at my parents' house so they can watch her.

It was a hard workout. I probably pushed myself a little too much considering I'm completely out of shape but so far it doesn't feel like I pulled anything. I hope to be able to say the same thing tomorrow. Now in addition to working out I have to make sure I'm eating well (which is usually not that hard since I typically am good about not sabotaging a work out) and I have to drink a ton of water. Since I'm still nursing I have to make sure Rachel is getting everything she needs. This is going to be hard...I really don't like to drink water. I can and have gone whole days without drinking more than a cup of coffee...this was obviously pre-pregnancy.

Okay so although I really am obsessed with the idea of working out and losing weight I dont want that to be the only thing I think about. I think this blog with help me with that. I have to grow spiritually while I shrink physically. I have something major to work on and that's forgiveness. I never thought I was a person who had a hard time forgiving but it seems like I have to take that back now. These aren't huge grudges that I'm keeping where I have extreme hatred/contempt for people but I physically have to avoid talking to a few people because I'm afraid I will tell them exactly what is on my mind and that wouldn't be good for anyone. I do feel they wronged me or my family but the truth of the matter is they will NEVER see it...if they saw it, it would be one of those "God things" where He just completely changes them/opens up their eyes. So since I'm fairly certain that they will never get it I have to just forgive them AND be ready for them to repeat these offenses because I KNOW they will. At some point I will try to reason with them if something happens again but ONLY if I feel certain that it's coming from God and not from my own anger/irritation. I've been sitting here staring at the screen because I really dont know how I'm going to get myself to not avoid them. It's something I really have to spend more time in prayer about. I talked to Jacob about it a few weeks ago and I was almost in tears because I didnt know how I would ever be able to get over it and what kind of Christian does that make me...Anyway, hopefully in a couple of weeks time I will be able to say that I can be around these individuals and not look for the first opportunity to cut and run.

Disclaimer: I probably will never go back and read my old blogs because I hate re-reading my old thoughts. So if I totally contradict something I said almost two years ago or if I repeat something that I said as if it was a new thought please forgive me! :)